Ask An Outsider: My boyfriend and I’ve completely different path aims. How can we discover widespread floor?

Welcome to Ask an Outsider. We’re right here to reply your most urgent questions on having fun with time exterior, like easy methods to make outdoorsy pals, recommendations on going No. 2 within the woods or easy methods to reconcile a unique danger tolerance with a companion. Our recommendation givers are specialists from each inside and out of doors the co-op who draw from their very own expertise and information to assist inform yours.

Pricey Outsider, 

My companion and I ceaselessly go on day hikes collectively as a result of we share a love for the outside. However we have now very completely different priorities on the path, and it has led to uncomfortable moments.  

I’m a “stop-and-take-a-picture-of-the-pretty-views-every-two-minutes” sort of hiker. I like to soak within the magnificence at my very own tempo, and it’s what helps me unwind from stress. Whereas it feels good to get sweat, I like the scenic snack and nap breaks much more. I don’t care how sluggish I am going so long as I make it again to the automobile safely earlier than nightfall. 

My boyfriend doesn’t hike for a similar causes. His mission is to get exercise, typically competing with himself to attain a private document. He goes too quick for me. I am going too sluggish for him. So, we conflict. He lets me realize it along with his physique language and feedback about my tempo. He rapidly turns into bored whereas ready for me to catch up. I rapidly change into embarrassed and exhausted attempting to reconnect with him.  

What ought to we do after we’re climbing at completely different speeds? We take pleasure in experiencing the vacation spot collectively. We simply need to make the journey extra enjoyable. 

Taylor, REI Co-op Member since 2014

Pricey Taylor, 

It is a query I’ve heard individuals of the 52 Hike Problem ask many instances. After we are in a relationship with somebody, it’s pure to need to spend time collectively—together with exterior. However conflicts might come up because of variations in every individual’s velocity and priorities. For me personally, addressing this boils all the way down to communication and compromise, all whereas making it enjoyable. 

In my final relationship, my companion loved operating the paths and I loved climbing them. We got here up with a win-win answer: Forward of time, we might agree on a time to satisfy again on the automobile and the overall time for train that day. Sometimes, we might stroll collectively for the primary 10 to fifteen minutes to attach. Then he would run for one hour; I’d hike for half-hour and switch round. Usually, he ran previous me as I used to be getting near the automobile. With this compromise, we each had our wants met.  

Different instances, we hiked and ran collectively. He adjusted his velocity to extra carefully match mine, and I attempted to maintain up along with his tempo. On our longer day hikes, we agreed to hike collectively, regardless that I knew he may out-hike me any day. 

But it surely’s necessary to do not forget that there are numerous methods to deal with this example. To grasp how others would method it, I polled the 52 Hike group. Their solutions have been considerably combined: 18% prompt climbing individually out of your companion and assembly midway, 39% opted for climbing with individuals who share the identical targets, 25% beneficial matching the velocity of your companion and 14% voted for another final result. 

Personally, I actually just like the responses suggesting that you simply and your companion work to compromise. For instance, Bianca C., 29, of Level Nice, New Jersey, proposes that you simply alternate between your climbing kinds. “Some hikes are extra about pictures, whereas others are all about breaking data,” she says. That is additionally a good time for each of you to work on endurance and understanding, which might deepen your relationship. 

Paige W., 28, of Ooltewah, Tennessee, shares: “My husband and I like climbing collectively, however we have now completely different paces. We compromise by realizing what the opposite likes. My husband is affected person whereas I take photographs and [identify] crops on my telephone. I attempt to take fewer photos and take them rapidly so we will maintain transferring.” Once you work as a crew you’ll be able to construct belief, which is big on the paths and in life. 

You might additionally compromise by deciding to hike by yourself and meet at a turnaround spot. Then you’ll be able to hike down at your companion’s tempo (assuming downhill is less complicated for you than uphill). Tai Ok., 44, of Ontario, Canada, offerss but another choice: “Hike the route alone and take all of the photographs. Then hike once more at a sooner tempo …” 

I additionally spoke to holistic marriage and household counselor Rebecca Thompson Hitt, who shares her perspective: She advises that you simply discover a time to debate what every of your underlying wants are. These are your true wants. For instance, possibly your true want is to attach together with your companion on the path, whereas your companion merely desires exercise.

After your dialogue, work out a technique that may meet each of those wants. Hitt additionally suggests that you simply strive alternative ways of compromising. Then come again collectively after attempting them out to debate how these options felt. Alter accordingly.  

For those who’re unable to come back to an answer, you can also make different preparations and discover different methods to attach that higher go well with every of you. As an illustration, you possibly can have a picnic at a neighborhood park, watch the sundown on the seaside or stargaze collectively, amongst different issues. 

One other large element in all of that is belief, or feeling you could exit to discover and hike and that your companion will likely be there ready to attach with you if you get again. It’s additionally necessary to know that our life companion can’t fulfill all of our wants. Typically, we have to change our personal expectations and alter accordingly.

Above all, be curious as you discover what feels greatest to each of you as you navigate the journey collectively. The cool factor right here is that, identical to on the path, there are numerous paths you’ll be able to select, however all of them find yourself on the similar vacation spot. Possibly you don’t hike collectively, however this expertise taught you to speak, compromise and, in the long run, achieve a stronger relationship.  

Isn’t that the top aim of our path to like anyway?